Tuesday, September 25th

It’s kind of crazy to watch yourself change and grow. I’ve been in a massive shift, a huge transformation, over the last year. I guess I sort of knew it but didn’t acknowledge it. It’s my life, after all. I’m mostly in the business of living it. Introspection and retrospection are gifts, but we often don’t use them when we’re just trying to make it through.

I was forced into incredible change by two of the most important people in my life, my mom and daughter. It had to happen. God, psyche and the Universe all knew the plan. I didn’t. As I ponder all of the events and the synchronous ways they were weaved together, I try to figure out what it all means. Maybe that’s not the way life works though. Maybe we aren’t supposed to know until we are through it. Like the saying, “life can only be understood backwards but it must be lived forwards,” or “the only way out is through.” Damnit.

So far, I have worked my way through with the help of an amazing coach who mirrored my goodness and wholeness back to me. I didn’t see (or feel) whole when we started working together. I was broken, beat down, defeated. I was in a state of severe depression. I knew I couldn’t climb out of the hole alone. She helped (and continues to help) me see that many answers are inside of me and that I am stronger than I think.

She gives me permission to be easier on myself (that’s often not easy to do). She says words I need to hear and acknowledges me as an amazing human with gifts and talents I often don’t see. As I’m coming out on the other side of grief, I recognize more patterns that need broken. I also recognize how easy it could be to follow in my mom’s footsteps. But I don’t choose that for myself. I choose to be strong, to have a voice. I choose not to be a victim. I choose to claim my power before it feels like it’s too late.

I recognize that there is aliveness here and that aliveness brings joy, triumph, mistakes, wonder, grief … a span of emotions that make up the human experience. I choose to live in it all, knowing that with every hardship, light will return, and that with each ‘a ha’ a new way of being will present itself.

Photo by boram kim on Unsplash